Letting Go of Resentment
I don’t know whether I’m writing this for you as much as I’m writing this for me.
Have you ever heard “Resentment” by Beyoncé? That’s a real song! That’s how I know Jigga must have cheated on her because that right there you can’t fake. You can only sing that if you’ve been through it.
Here are some of the lyrics:
I’ll never forget feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like that WHACK BITCH could
And it’s all because you lied
I know she was attractive, but I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for six years*
Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you, you
I know you’re probably thinking what’s up with Bey
But I’m crying, yes, I’m crying, can’t stop crying
You could have told me you weren’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you’ve done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me
She ain’t even half of me
*Here each girl enters the respective time span of their latest relationship.
I remember listening to that song for the first time back in the day. I remember going, “Oh my gosh Bey called her a whack bitch!” and “You right, Bey! She ain’t even half of you!” I remember remarking about how great it was and thinking about how much I loved my Auntie Bey. I remember saying to myself, she did it again. She really put her soul into it. And most of all, I remember praying like hell that I’d never have to go through anything like that!
Fast forward two and a half (yes, I meant half) relationships later, and you’ll find me sitting in my own pile of resentment. I had my own somebody pictured in my mind when I heard that song. “Been riding with you for three years! Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you?” I sang along.
While I hadn’t been cheated on, that still didn’t make me exempt from experiencing shitty relationships. That didn’t make me exempt from experiencing heartbreak or giving everything to end up with nothing.
I’d built up a ton of resentment over the years. The worst part was that I didn’t even know it.
It was an entire year after my relationship with my first ex had ended that I realized just how angry I was. Although we loved each other and the relationship had its up moments, the majority of our relationship was dysfunctional and full of back and forth. We’d broken each other’s hearts several times. By the time he wanted to “act right,” I was already too far gone, convinced that we just couldn’t work.
So a year later I found myself drowning in all of this resentment I didn’t even know I had. I’d learned (via social media stalking) that he’d moved on with a new girlfriend. And from a recent “let’s catch up” conversation, I learned that he really liked her and he was in love with her. Still, after asking several noseyass questions, I learned that she didn’t have to go through the shit he put me through.
It stung. It was like acid being poured over my heart.
You mean to tell me you can drag me in the mud for two and a half years, but with the next bitch, shit is just peachy-keen? Was I only just supposed to make you a better man for another woman? Why couldn’t you just fucking act right when you were with me? I gave you chance after chance…
To make matters worse, I learned that my most recent ex had moved on with somebody else, too. After being difficult as hell, putting no effort forth, and refusing to make the relationship work, you mean to tell me you can just up and find happiness with the next bitch? Ok.
I wondered how could both of them find somebody for them while I was still running into ain’t shit nigga after ain’t shit nigga? I wasn’t the one who fucked the relationships up! How is that fair?
How is that fair? Therein lay my resentment. I asked the universe this question whenever I thought of my love life. It just wasn’t fair.
I wanted somebody for me, someone who could treat me right. A person with which we could fill each other’s gaps.
Why was it that they found that person when I was the one wronged?
I later realized that my thinking was faulty. Everyone deserves happiness.
It was because I was still angry at them that I accused them of not deserving the relationships they were in.
And another thing, the world doesn’t owe me shit. I wasn’t going to be rewarded the relationship of my dreams for simply being a “good girl.” If I wanted love, I had to play the game just like everybody else. Sometimes that includes being hurt a couple times.
During this time period, I also questioned why I wanted love so badly. Why did I care so much that they were in relationships?
I realized that I was equating relationships with happiness which isn’t necessarily bad if you can be happy without a relationship. Bingo!
This is why I originally wanted to title this post, “Why I needed a man cleanse (and maybe you do, too)” because I realized I didn’t know how to be alone anymore. While I truly enjoyed being a single gal three years prior, now I thoroughly faked the “single and loving it life” lifestyle.
And when you’re in this fragile state full of pain and resentment, the worst thing you can do is try to give your mess to another dude to clean up. (Like I did.) Relationship-hopping is no bueno.
It’s best to first spend time alone and undergo deep introspection. Then let yourself really feel each and every emotion, positive or negative. Since I tend to repress my emotions, the way I do this is through meditating. (If you’re not meditating, you should start right now!) Lastly, make peace with your past and forgive every single one of your exes. Forgive yourself if need be!
And if you’re not already doing this, love yourself. I wouldn’t have put up with half of what I went through if I loved myself properly. You live and you learn.
After all, Beyonce and Jay-Z are married now and have Blue Ivy. You deserve to be happy, too.
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Share your bout with resentment below along with how you got over it.