To hoe or not to hoe? Why we need to stop slut shaming

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TNTC and Life in a Pile team up to tell you why slut shaming, or making a woman feel bad for having sex, is outdated, disrespectful, and senseless

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An iconic photo of rapper Lil Kim dressed in “hoe” attire and killing it!

Let’s see. There’s light-skinned vs. dark-skinned. Blonde vs. brunette. Skinny vs. fat. Short vs. tall. Curly hair vs. straight hair. Natural hair vs. permed hair. Weave vs. no-weave. Kids vs. no kids. Black vs. white. Educated vs. uneducated. Young vs. old. Big boobs vs. big butt. Married vs. single. Did I leave something out?

Despite the countless reasons why women battle for the attention of men, I know that one day none of these will matter. All of these “reasons” will melt away and we’ll all sing kumbaya and hold hands in the sunset, relishing in corny sisterhood.

But for the life of me, I can’t seem to find hope for this one last debate: the “sexually liberated” woman, or hoe vs the classy, virgin-esque woman.

Why must a woman be classy or “ladylike” or not promiscuous? Does that really define a woman? Really? A woman who’s had 4 sexual partners instead of 3 or 0 is instantaneously undeserving of your respect and stripped of her womanhood.

It’s not just men. Women are just as likely, oftentimes even more likely, to participate in slut shaming, something that I think makes eradicating slut shaming such a struggle. And yes, it should be eradicated.

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Blac Chyna and Amber Rose pose in outfits plastered with derogatory names to raise awareness for Amber’s Slut Walkwhich protested shaming and discrimination of all kinds.

Classiness has never been tied up into womanhood for me, but I understand that our society has for hundreds of years. Actually since always. And continues too, obviously.

I also understand that it’s time for a change.

 

Michelle Obama vs. Cardi B

I must be a hoe, huh?

You don’t even know me and you’re quick to judge me for defending a woman’s right to sleep with however many men (or women) she wants to sleep with and still be a woman.

Let me ask you something. Between First Lady Michelle Obama and outspoken stripper Cardi B, who’s more deserving of your respect?

The obvious choice is Michelle Obama, right?

I absolutely adore Michelle Obama. She’s regal, intelligent, and beautiful. She is the epitome of classiness.

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Now you know this was hilarious.

I also love Cardi B! She’s funny, real, and entertaining. But she is not less of a woman than Michelle Obama because she strips. Both of these women represent stunning facets of womanhood. None is better than the other.

Classiness is not a measure of womanhood or of how much respect you deserve. You deserve respect for simply being a human fucking being.

 

I don’t believe in sexual promiscuity

Even if slutty activities and revealing too much skin goes against your religious beliefs, judging others is probably against your religion, too. You could be waiting until marriage to have sex, but let the one who has no sin cast the first stone!

Hint: it wouldn’t be you! Because you’re not Jesus. And you’ve definitely sinned before, just differently.

If you’ve had premarital sex, even if you have only 3 bodies, in the eyes of God, you are as equal a sinner as Shaquanna the infamous local hoe who sleeps with everyone in the neighborhood.

That goes for men as well, especially the ones who have 20+ bodies but demand that their future spouse only have 2. Or zero. God judges men for sexual immorality, too.

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That’s right. You’re going to be in hell right beside all the hoes you slut-shamed.

Society ranks people. That’s what it’s always done–whether by class, gender, skin color, what have you–society ranks people and tells you which group of people are better. That’s what society does, not religion.

 

Hoes stay winning

Guys like to present the idea that only “wifey types” get wifed, but let’s be for real. Men chase the very thing they say they don’t want: hoes.

This causes a lot of “classy” girls to become bitter because he’ll keep telling you you’re wifey type and never wife you.

 

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How many “classy” single women with a single digit body count do you know? If having less sex is the golden ticket to finding a man, those tickets really must be as rare as they were in Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

I think this is why so many women are quick to jump on the slut-shaming bandwagon. It makes them feel a little better about being passed over for the hoes that guys say they don’t want. All the sluts are getting the attention, huh?

 

What is a “fake” queen?

Candice from lifeinapile.com chimes in to explain why sex doesn’t strip a woman of her crown

During the whole Ayesha Curry fiasco, a lot of bloggers took advantage of the “classy vs hoe” topic and used Mrs. Curry’s tweets as ammunition. I came across one post that literally used the terms “sluts” and “fake queens” to describe the women who are considered to be the opposite of Ayesha. What is a “fake” queen? Apparently if you don’t have a problem with showing or sharing your body, a queen is the last thing you should be referring to yourself as. The fact that the blogger who wrote this is a woman is even more disturbing. As women (especially black), we face too much bullshit from the world and those in it to be competing against our fellow black women. Society has conditioned us to think it’s okay for a woman to claim she’s better because of the clothes she wears or because her pussy has cobwebs.

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Re: “Ayesha Curry fiasco”

“As women (especially black), we face too much bullshit from the world and those in it to be competing against our fellow black women.”

I’ve never been the type to judge because I don’t care that much. If it’s not affecting my life, why should I care what a woman does with her life? I’m very big on happiness. If that’s making her happy, who am I to judge for how she obtains her happiness? We tell people to do what makes them happy. Then we judge them for how they choose to reach it. Damn, we really do a lot of shit that makes no sense.

 

Pop that pussy on a handstand if you wanna

This is not for the women with low self-esteem who sleep around in order to fill some sense of void. This is for the women who are grown, confident, and love sex just like any man, I might add.

You can’t care what others think about the sexual choices you make. You also can’t shame others for the sexual choices they make because they may differ from yours.

Just remember to stay safe and don’t bring a child into this world unless you’re ready. Have sex with whoever you want, just as long as he ain’t my man! Haha. Peace.

 

We wrote this for you. . .

To the girl who stayed with her abusive boyfriend because she was too worried about her “body count going up” if she left:

To the women who were raped and not believed because they’d “always been a little loose:”

To the girl who’s constantly told she’s ain’t shit and doesn’t deserve love because of her shady past:

 

You are beautiful. You are woman. You are valuable.

You always were.

 

“While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God’s creation.”

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Categories: feminism, Sex

12 comments

  • Shaneell B.

    Love love love!! Great read. One question though…why the name Shaquanna? Is that what a local hoe’s name looks like? Maybe it was used for satire . Either way great points throughout the article.

    • laylareaves

      Thank you so much! and omg I don’t know for some reason that’s the first name that popped in my head when I was trying to think of “local hood hoe names” No disrespect to the Shaquannas out there lol

  • Kiersten

    This was great girl! I think the whole “slut shaming” thing comes from women redefining who we are for our generation and for this time period. And for those with more old school traditional views (me) it can be a little for difficult or challenging to agree with the new perspectives. But at the end of the day, you gotta do you boo!

    • laylareaves

      Exactly I like the way you put it “you gotta do you boo” I’m more traditional myself, but I don’t want to stop any other woman from doing her

  • Be Human

    Freely expressing the sexuality of your humanity without being ashamed: excellent–helps you and helps all of humanity. Unconsciously perpetuating internalized sex slavery ideas about women’s sexual commodification–not okay and harmful to all of humanity. There is a difference. And it’s an important and relevant conversation to have. For example, the word “hoe” has a history of women being pimped (owned, bought and sold) by men. So when you use the word “hoe” as a term of sexual empowerment (“to hoe or not to hoe”) you are perpetuating the language of internalized sexual slavery. The problem is that our ideas about sexuality are really mostly left over from sexual slavery and it’s media industry–pornography. What we think is “sexy” for a woman is really her acting out a role of sex slave. Sex slavery of women only ended legally in this country starting in 1970. Prior to 1970, there were no laws on the books against spousal rape, so any woman married before 1970 in the U.S. was a legal sex slave. Illegal sex slavery continues today all over the world and in our own back yards. So be careful before you glorify the word “hoe” for your own empowerment, because you are also unconsciously normalizing one of the most heinous human rights violations of our time–human sex trafficking.

  • bomb it 7

    Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
    After all I will be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope
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  • bomb it 7

    First off I want to say great blog! I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask
    if you do not mind. I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your head before writing.
    I have had trouble clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out there.
    I do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are usually
    lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or tips?
    Thank you!

    • laylareaves

      I do not clear my head before writing. I just write and after the first 5-10 minutes, I find the groove. The key to beginning is to just begin and once you get over that initial hump, things run smoothly. Thanks for reading!

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