Letting go of resentment: PART 2
Read part 1 here.
resentment: bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
That sounds about right. Once again, ya girl Lay was bitter AF, okay?
On that I’m-going-to-be-a-man-eater shit. That fuck-love-because-it-doesn’t-exist shit. And I’m-going-to-die-old-and-alone shit.
“I only give you a hard time ’cause I can’t go on and pretend like I haven’t tried to forgive this, but I’m much too full of resentment.”
Then, reality set in. I’m way too honest and coupled with my open-book facial expressions, I’m too terrible a liar to be a man-eater.
Also, love exists. Niggas get married everyday, B. It just hadn’t selected me yet.
And, I’m no fortune teller. What I am is dramatic. While I can’t predict me never finding lasting love, I could ensure remaining lonely for the rest of my life if I didn’t find somewhere to put all that got damned resentment.
I’d come quite a way since the last post, but had somehow (I knew exactly how) found myself relearning how to let. it. go. ‘Cause boy! Bitterness is one ugly stench.
After a few months of singledom, I knew I didn’t want to stink anymore. So I did the dirty work. I felt the pain and cursed niggas out (in my head) and blocked profiles and meditated and cried and cried.
“Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you, you?”
During my meditation, I’d uncovered this fear. Sure, I’d been treated unfairly and had warranted resentment, but it seemed every sour romance led me back to this fear:
Would love, true love, ever find me? (Told y’all I’m dramatic.)
Maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe God did not want marriage for me. That I didn’t know, but I did know my bitter, resentment-filled odor was turning away any and all potential lovers.
“Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me . . .”
So, I looked my resentments head on. I started with the latest batch and worked my way back:
Yes, Lay. Ole boy tried to ghost you after y’all had established a genuine connection. It was immature and cowardly.
My newest resentment stacked on top this one:
You’re right. He dealt with life stress poorly and took it out on you. He didn’t give you the time you deserved. He didn’t listen to you and had the nerve to be shocked when you left. Okay…
These awoke past resentment I thought I’d gotten rid of:
Right again, Lay. Your first love always chose his pride over you and fought his feelings like a little boy. He never verbalized his love and didn’t trust his emotions.
“I’ve been crying for too long. What did you do to me?”
Try it. List your lingering resentments. Work through how you were treated unfairly.
Doesn’t it hurt? Aren’t these resentments too heavy to carry? Or is the pain too familiar? Does it hurt too good to set down?
How could you? How could you treat me this way? I was so good to you.
Is that what you want to tell them?
Honestly, especially when it’s fresh, sometimes straight up you have to just wallow in it and be that angry, bitter woman for a second. But only for a second. Don’t stay there.
It may be comforting to know that women who’ve found their happily-ever-afters regret not one frog they’ve kissed, not one heartbreak.
That’s why I don’t believe in “failed romances.” You didn’t fail if you learned from it. Each frog puts you one kiss closer to your Prince Charming.
So work through it. Make sense of it. Hurt.
But one day, because of time’s beauty and because you chose it, you will hear the opening chords of King Bey’s “Resentment” come through your earphones and skip the hell out of that shit. Because you let it go.
Read part 1 here.